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Karma's Kool

I was in the shower the other morning, and I started...pondering. (The acoustics in the shower are great and it's easier to hear my mind think.)

I was thinking about karma. I'm not Buddhist and don't really know much about karma other than what I imagine most people know casually. What goes around comes around; do unto others – that sort of thing. I suppose my definition of karma is along those lines. When I'm contemplating doing or saying something I'm not sure I want to do or say, I work it through my mind by asking myself how it could potentially come back and bite me in my ass.

What I ended up musing about in the shower was motivation. What is my usual motivation for doing the right thing? And are those motives pure or self-serving? I mean, from a karmic standpoint, am I doing something good because I'm just a nice guy? Or do I do the right thing because I just don't want something bad to happen to me later?

Looking back, a lot of my thinking about karma started when I began to learn about religion. And before anyone gets their hackles up, this isn't about to turn into a rant about religion. I do have my problems with certain organized faiths, but this ain't about that. What it is about is reward-based good works. How many people do stuff so they can get stuff in return? From what I've learned, many religious belief systems are based on retribution for not doing what we're told. If you don't believe this or believe that; do this or do that, you're going to hell. Well then, of course you're going to do what you're told. Who wants to spend eternity in eternal damnation? But is doing the right thing for the wrong reason – or out of fear – still the right thing? Does the end justify the means? "Yeah, yeah, I'll volunteer at the soup kitchen, but only because I don't wanna go downstairs when I die."

I'm still not clear on my reasoning for doing the right thing sometimes. When I find myself questioning my motivation, one thing I do is try to figure out how I can help someone without their knowing it. It's not easy. More often than not, I think most of us expect – or at least hope – for some recognition or acknowledgement when we do something for someone. But what if we did someone a favor behind their back? What if we borrowed a friend's car and filled up the gas tank and got a car wash and didn't tell them? (Call that one carma.) Would we be pissed if they didn't thank us? Would we be disappointed if they didn't notice? Well, yes and yes. But should we be? Shouldn't the self-gratification of doing something nice be enough reward in and of itself? Should we really need a pat on the back for doing what's right anyway?

I say yes. Sort of. Being grateful to ourselves for doing the right thing is self-rewarding. But those we help should express their gratitude to us as well. In my little Steven World, that's karma. When you do unto others, they'd better thank you for it, dammit!

However, there are times when a tiny kindness perpetrated on an unsuspecting neighbor can inoffensively go unacknowledged. Grab your buddy's trash when you're taking your own out to the Dumpster; hang the new phone book delivery bag on her doorknob because you know she has trouble bending over.

So karma's cool. It keeps me honest. On those occasions when I'm not sure what I should do, karma helps me decide. I figure if I spend half my time doing the right thing simply because it's the right thing do, and the other half doing the right thing because I don't want a karmic slap in the face, I'm doing okay. Ultimately, I believe the ends do justify the means, regardless of motivation. If I help someone out of altruism or fear, in the end, that person's still been helped.

Thank you still makes it go down easier, though.

Knock 'em Dead!

So. It's been an…eventful couple of weeks.

Some of you who visit here regularly know that my girlfriend, @Christy, had a health scare recently. When it happened, her biggest concern was not being able to come see me for a visit we'd planned for months. We live in different states and haven't seen each other since New Year's, so it was a huge disappointment for both of us. But not being able to get on a plane stuck with Christy the whole time she was in the hospital. Her mother and I, on the other hand, quickly relegated the missed trip to well-there's-always-next-time status, and thanked our lucky stars that Christy was still alive. In her condition, a flight would likely have killed her.

Killed. As in died. Dead.

Other than two grandparents and an uncle, I've been fortunate to have never had to face the death of a loved one. I don't know if this is true for everyone, but the death a family member seems almost…normal, expected. It's no less tragic, but somehow it seems to be a natural Circle of Life thing. The death of a partner is different. Our partners are our peers, our contemporaries. They're not supposed to die. At least not for a long, long time.

The notion of Christy nearly dying hasn't really sunk in yet. I'll be going about my day, working, cooking, cleaning – and it suddenly hits me that she was in the hospital because a bunch of doctors, nurses and various technicians were saving her life. The reality of that sort of floats at the outer edge of my periphery. I understand it on an intellectual level. "Yes, this is what happened. This is what could've happened. This is what's going to happen next." But when I think it's about to really sink in...it's gone. I'm left kind of dazed and not sure what to think or how to feel.

In the last few days, Christy and I have been Skyping (thankfully from her condo and not from her hospital bed any more), and we both realized how often we tossed around...death. In our every day speech, we use words like death, die, dead and kill so casually. And now it feels intensely weird and wholly inappropriate.

"Dude, if you say that one more time, I'm gonna kill you."

"Geez, last night I slept like the dead."

"Man, I coulda just died when she said that."

"This morning I felt like death warmed over."

"Omigod, I was scared to death!"

"No, no, I'm dead serious."

It's freaky. When one of us catches the other saying something like that, we remind the other, pause, and then burst out laughing. I'm wondering if it's some sort of evolutionary psychological thing, that we toss around death so casually because to think about it seriously all the time would be, well, a bummer. If we didn't laugh about our mortality, we'd just wander through life in a funk, waiting for the Grim Reaper to tap us on the shoulder and tell us it's time. ("Time to go, Sport!")

I imagine if we really over-analyzed it, we'd probably realize we can substitute a word that's the complete opposite of death and dying more often than not. So, for the time being, instead of exclaiming "She's gonna die when she gets this", Christy and I are saying things like "She's gonna love this". I'm sure it'll wear off eventually, and we'll start tossing death about as casually as ever. But for now, talking life seems...better.

Still...

If you'd gotten on that plane a couple of weeks ago Christy, I'd have just died.

WARNING: Inbox Is Full

"Blah-blah-blah-dee-blaa-aahhh...blah-blah-blah..."

Sometime over the last couple of days, I realized that keeping in touch is a little like cleaning my cats' litter box. I do it when it needs to be done, and before I know it, it needs to be done again.

Don't get me wrong. Having people to keep in touch with is far better than not having any. Having too many people is where I get hung up. Sometimes I just find myself overwhelmed trying to call, email, Facebook message, comment, chat, text or otherwise reach out to people that I'm overdue to reach out to. What ends up happening is I put it off just long enough to start thinking, "Great. If I call him back now, I'm gonna have to come up with an excuse for why I didn't call sooner." So, naturally, not wanting to lie about my delayed response, I simply don't call back. At least, not until a reasonably obnoxious amount of time has passed. So that's my problem.

I learned long ago that problems often fall into two categories. One is a "quality problem" (Omigod, I've got so much money I just don't know what to buy!). Having too many friends and family to keep in touch with is definitely a quality problem. The other category is, well, everything else.

What I also learned long ago is that it's my problem, not anyone else's. Those who have been here before know of my aversion to drainers: soul-sucking social leeches that wring every bit of good will from the saintliest of people by talking endlessly about nothing – the same nothing over and over and over again. These are the folks that I need to establish boundaries with. I need to realize that it's okay if I call them back, talk for a polite amount of time (30 or 40 seconds seems fair), and then cut their gabby asses off mid-sentence and move on to the next drainer. Email should be even easier. I don't have to write a book when replying to everyone. A short note letting them know I'm thinking about them is enough. Gotta work on that...

One last thing, which I'll humbly file under Cell Phone Etiquette: don't use me as a 'filler'. If you're driving home from work; if you're in the grocery store; if you're at the bank; if you're ringing the doorbell at a friend's house and contact with them is imminent, don't fill up your semi-down time by calling me. If I'm not important enough for you to earmark a dedicated slice of quality time to get in touch, don't bother.

I've gotta go now. My mental inbox just dinged again...

This is a Dust Mite. This is Also My Brain.

Dermatophagoides farinae

I have two excuses for not posting anything for...well, I was gonna say "a while", but really, it's only been a couple of weeks. It just seems longer. Anyway, my excuses: 1) I've been really busy with work, which requires me to spend inordinate amounts of time on the computer. And 2) I've been really busy with work, which requires me to spend inordinate amounts of time on the computer.

But I will be posting something new soon. I promise. Really.

V I S U A L S

O.K., before I go any further, let me state for the record: I'm not turning this into an art blog! I'm actually working on a new 'topical' post (to follow shortly), but I was coerced into sharing some of the stuff I do during my day job as a graphic designer and an illustrator. However, most of what I get paid for is pretty dry stuff - flyers, ads, business cards and the like. So what I've included here is stuff I've done mostly for myself, and I'm actually pretty proud of it. It's just a hodge-podge of illustrations and paintings I've done over the years, both in and out of college.

About the Art: The work I did in college is a combination of airbrushed ink, and acrylic and gouache paints. (Gouache, pronounced gwash, is opaque watercolor.) I did the computer "paintings" by first drawing the outline in Adobe Illustrator and then transferring that image to Adobe Photoshop so I could airbrush in the colors, shadings, highlights, etc. None of the computer images are photographs.

Anyway, here's my stuff. Hope you like 'em. :-)

Wheel [airbrush, pen and ink] When I was in college, I tried to do one painting per semester as sort of a sanity check. Most of our 6 hour classes invariably involved doing stuff we didn't really want to do. (I only did 2, so I was nuts most of the time and fit in perfectly.) So this painting was something I wanted to do. My major was graphic design, but I entered this piece in a juried illustration exhibit and it was selected (a big deal). I loved this painting and, unfortunately, it was lost in a fire. (Ironically, the fire didn't destroy it; the firemen did.)

Just Because [airbrush, pen and ink] This is another "sanity-check" painting while I was in school. Just an abstract mish-mash of images I found interesting. (FYI - My initials, "SCB", are in here...somewhere.)

Still Life [airbrush, ink and gouache] I did this when I was into a lot of New Age music. (No haters! It was the eighties.) Lots of electric harps and tinkly little bells. Anyway, this is what I "saw" when I listened to some of that stuff. I was going for abstract and airy.

E.T.'s Dad [airbrush, pen and ink] Before I went to art school, I went through a bit of a comic book phase. There is absolutely no "concept" about this guy. I just thought he looked strong and benevolent. I also didn't come up with the name "E.T.'s Dad", but I have no idea who did.

AHHHH! [no. 2 pencil and ink wash] This was an in-class assignment when I was in art school. Our 'studio' classes were 6 hours, so I had plenty of time to begin and complete a project in a single afternoon. The assignment was to illustrate an emotion. (We got lots of "artsy" assignments.) Well, mine was frustration. So I had Jessica, the girl sitting next to me in class, make this face over...and over...and over again until I was done. I felt great afterward. And she was frustrated. Mission accomplished!

Maria [airbrush, pen and ink] This was the first portrait I ever did, and it is maybe my favorite painting. Unfortunately, it was of a cast-iron bitch who happened to be my college sweetheart at the time. Sigh. Choices...

Happy Face [adobe illustrator and photoshop] Follow up portrait of Maria.

Watch [adobe illustrator and photoshop] Though I've actually only earned about $9 doing commercial illustration, I try to keep my skills up. One way I do that is to recreate photographs I find in magazines. I saw this watch ad and decided to draw it on the computer. There's something I like about the challenge of analyzing a photographic image and then figuring out the best way to do it on the computer. (I've actually earned a bit more than nine bucks drawing things, but most of my paying gigs are graphic design.) Click on image for enlarged view.

My Ride [adobe illustrator and photoshop] The best way I know to learn how to use computer illustration software is to play with it without the pressure of an actual paying assignment. This geeky-cool new Photoshop filter came out that could render chrome super-realistically. So I decided to play. This illustration started out as a single, chrome sphere. Then it just spiraled completely out of control and ended up the ass-end of a Ferrari. (Click on image for enlarged view.)

Mikey-Mic [adobe illustrator and photoshop] I saw a photograph of this microphone in a piece of junk mail I got and I just knew I had to try to recreate it in the computer. Again, this was just a fun thing for me to do strictly for myself. (Click on image for enlarged view.)

Boom Box [adobe illustrator and photoshop] During an extended (and welcome) slow period at work, I decided to draw my CD player. I think because I started my art career learning the airbrush, I've always been intrigued by reflective surfaces (chrome, plastic, steel, etc.), something the airbrush is ideal for. That sensibility carried over into my computer work, so I that's why I find myself doing so much 'technical illustration'. It's also a helluva lot easier to draw things than people!

Alien Space Frisbees [adobe illustrator and photoshop] Honestly, I don't know why...